Are You Dissatisfied with Your Sex Life?
Has your sex life fizzled? Are you finding it harder and harder to connect on an intimate level with your partner? If so, you may feel as if…
- You and your partner are living more like college roommates than lovers
- Kids, careers or other responsibilities have consumed all your energy and spontaneity
- You simply can’t find time (or space) to engage and connect with your spouse intimately
- You have sexual compatibility issues in terms of desires and preferred frequency
- An affair or other betrayal has damaged your relationship and trust beyond repair
- Menopause, prostate cancer, or erectile dysfunction has caused a physical and emotional rift
- You want to turn the clock back to when you first met and experience the fireworks again
If you and your partner are experiencing a reduction in your sexual intimacy, it could be for a variety of reasons. For instance, the stress of parenting, caregiving, and managing a demanding career often leaves little time to dedicate to your spouse—or even yourself. In some cases, there may be unresolved arguments or points of contention that are slowly weakening the erotic attraction. Similarly, unprocessed trauma or adverse childhood experiences can also create often confusing obstacles to intimacy.
Although you may feel distant or disconnected from your spouse right now, you can renew and strengthen your intimate bond. With my help and your commitment, you can understand the factors behind the changes in your sex life and reignite the passion you once had.
Many Couples Struggle With Sex And Intimacy
If you and your partner aren’t having sex as frequently as you used to, you are not alone. Some studies suggest that as many as 1 in 5 long-term relationships may be considered sexless, with partners engaging in sex less than 10 times per year (Kinsey Institute). While some couples are content with infrequent sex, you may find the lack of physical intimacy unsettling.
For instance, if you have lost the spark and have stopped initiating sex, you may wonder if there is something wrong with you or the relationship. In turn, you may feel guilty about not engaging your partner and withdraw or become defensive.
Conversely, if your spouse’s interest in sex has waned or they have become emotionally distant, you may develop insecurities about your desirability. You may even begin to harbor resentment toward your partner for withholding affection.
Moreover, sexual frequency can diminish if you don’t share the same sexual preferences. For example, perhaps you feel your partner is too adventurous or not adventurous enough. And despite mutual attempts to compromise, you may find it easier to avoid the issue than resolve it.
The effects of scarce sex or mismatched desires can cause you and your partner to feel discouraged, confused, and even worried that one person may have an affair in order to have their sexual needs met.
You Can Blame Some Sex Problems On Your Brain…
Recent research indicates that some underlying psychological and neurobiological processes actually work against each other to create intimacy issues in long-term relationships. In his book, Wired for Love, psychologist Dr. Stan Tatkin explains that our brains are predisposed to reduce threats and establish a sense of security. We seek out this stability in our relationships, and that feeling of familiarity and safety sets us up for healthy attachment and satisfaction.
On the other hand, Esther Perel, also a respected relationship expert, suggests that our erotic energy becomes drained when our relationship is too comfortable and familiar.
And so exists a paradox…
How can you balance the need for familiarity and comfort to sustain a healthy relationship with the need for novelty in order to keep the sexual spark alive?
Fortunately, I can help answer that question.
Couples Sex Therapy Can Help You And Your Partner Reconnect
Therapy can be extremely effective at helping you and your partner move into the next chapter of your intimate and sexual life together. In couples sex counseling sessions, you and your partner can discover a deeper, more meaningful and fulfilling connection to each other as you continue to grow in tandem throughout your lives.
Sex Therapy: Incorporating The Latest Research And Techniques on Attachment And Arousal Patterns In Couples
Since 1998, I have been refining my therapeutic approach to incorporate scientifically-driven ideas, techniques, and exercises in both couples and marriage counseling. I have pursued advanced training from the renowned Gottman Institute as well as with Dr. Stan Tatkin, founder of the Psychobiological Approach to Couples Therapy Training (PACT ®).
The PACT model integrates what we know about how the brain works—specifically in regards to attachment and arousal—and applies it to couples counseling. I use the PACT approach to identify deficits in couples’ emotional and physical connection so that I can then guide them toward solutions. The goal of PACT is to enable couples to be a “co-regulatory team” that can effectively help each other feel safe and secure when distress arises.
When you come for counseling to resolve your sexual problems, I will also consider arousal theories in neuroscience to help you reconnect. Oftentimes, when you and your partner know each other well and feel secure with one another (have a “secure attachment”), the novelty and excitement needed for sexual desire decline.
To combat that paradox, I help couples find new energy and creative ways to add excitement and longing to their relationship to keep sensuality alive. The ultimate goal of our work together is for you and your partner’s emotional and physical needs to complement each other. Once this balance is achieved, intimacy between you and your partner can truly flourish.
Concerns you may have about couples sex therapy…
Will therapy be costly?
Therapy is an investment in yourself, your partner, and your relationship. The stress created by a strained relationship can negatively impact areas of your life beyond your sex life; for instance, your productivity at work, relationships with friends and family, as well as the way you feel about yourself.
By investing in your partnership now, you are not only creating the opportunity to communicate and connect more intimately with your partner, but you can also build a level of trust, love, and connection that you’ll carry throughout the rest of your lives.
I’m too embarrassed to talk about our personal life with anyone—even a therapist.
I am a sensitive and non-judgmental couples therapist/coach with more than 20 years of experience, and I understand that talking about sex and intimacy issues can be difficult for a lot of people. However, I only want you to discuss those things that you are comfortable with sharing—and at a pace that suits you. There are many ways that we can improve your level of communication and connection without immediately tackling sensitive issues. Simply exploring the “growing pains” of your relationship together in a safe, nonjudgmental space can increase intimacy and help you find new ways of being together.
I’m afraid that talking about our problems will make everything even worse.
I understand that working on your relationship and sexual problems may be uncomfortable at first. However, challenging each other and opening yourselves up to taking risks actually makes your relationship stronger, not weaker.
Therefore, if you truly value growth and have a strong desire to reconnect with your partner, I can help you work through your problems and lead you both to greater self-awareness, increased empathy, compassion, and trust.